Fabulous trip – but great to be home, too

The two Bentley drivers looked fit to be tied! One had an old dark green 1960s-era two-door convertible, the other maybe a 1980s coupe in light blue. They’d come through some sort of Fast Track lane at the Channel Tunnel and wanted to barge into the queue – and the people in their Fords, Volvos and VWs weren’t having any of it. Fun to behold – but I’m getting about 450 kilometres ahead of myself. More of that anon.

The advantage of spending our last night in an hotel in eastern France rather than camping was that packing the bike up next morning was quick and easy. The downside was the 67 euro for the hotel room, which was about three times what we’d have paid for a campsite, but such is life.

We were able to enjoy the same sweeping curves that had proved so entertaining the night before, then took the faster N67 to help us cover the ground to Calais in time for our 15:20 Eurotunnel shuttle. Northern France by autoroute is pretty boring, to be honest. I’ve enjoyed the area several times when I travelled on the back roads, passing through small towns and getting some sense of local life, in the days when I was too poor or too cheap to pay the tolls.

But it can take forever, so the autoroute is our preferred way of getting the journey done. The road surfaces are generally ultra-smooth, the traffic fairly light – we were still a few days ahead of the main holiday rush. The countryside isn’t much to look at and is marred these days by countless wind turbines, most of them doing nothing.

It was plain sailing all the way and we got to the Channel Tunnel terminal without incident, enjoying the smooth hum of the flat six and the warmth of the sun. It was a great day to be on a bike. The one dread was finding that armies of migrants or militant French farmers were blockading the motorway and the tunnel approaches, as is their wont – but fortunately they weren’t.

No, today the problem was UK Border Control, situated about 80 metres beyond its French equivalent. The French had six booths manned and the traffic moved through at a reasonable pace – not quickly, but not too slowly either.

Once through, however, we hit virtual gridlock. The six lanes from the French side filtered in to three UK booths, and progress slowed to a standstill. It felt as though Britain was on a go-slow, maybe extracting an early revenge on holidaymakers in the new post-Brexit mood. The fact that at least half the cars and bikes in the queues were British-registered didn’t seem to make any difference.

The queue moved forward at a painful pace. The only brief amusement was seeing those Bentley drivers come tearing through from a lane off to the left of everyone else. There is a lane on the French side for people who have paid way over the odds for flexible tickets and it’s possible that’s what these guys had done. But there was no special Fast Track lane at UK Border Control, so they were trying to force their way in at the front of the queue. Needless to say, the folks who’d been queuing there for half an hour weren’t hugely impressed. The scowls and gesticulations from the Bentley gents brought a moment of levity to the queue; lovely cars, though, especially the older one.

We made it to the booth and for the first time that I can recall we were asked to remove our helmets. The Border Control officer was chatty, pleasant and efficient, explaining that the helmets puffed up our cheeks and made us look different. Not a good look, clearly. Good to know that we’re taking border control seriously, however.

Finally, we got to the train, which turned out to be only half full. It left on time and 35 minutes later we were duly back on British soil, taking the M20 back to London. The weather was pleasantly warm by British standards: a dry and sunny 21 degrees, or thereabouts. The contrast with the French autoroute was stark, though: the M20 is like a cart track in places by comparison.

We refuelled, happy to see that petrol prices were lower than we’d seen in France, Germany, Switzerland or Italy. We were aiming to be at our daughter Charlotte’s house for 4:30 pm (the UK being an hour behind France), but we were early.

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Journey’s end: cold beer, The Times and the Valkyrie that never missed a beat

In the absence of a pub, we bought some cans of cold San Miguel and The Times and sat on her doorstep in the sun, lowering the tone of the neighbourhood, while we waited for Charlotte, three-year-old Theo and new baby Zak.

The continental stage of the trip was now over, and we had a few days to relive its many highs before hitting the road again to Manchester. Great bike trip, though. If you haven’t tried it yet, you really should.

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